Tom Cardy - The Ballad Of Smokin Joe Rudeboy

[Intro]
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[Verse]
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Let me tell a little story about a man long time ago
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He was the quickest draw in the wild west by the name of Smokin’ Joe

It’s Smokin’ Joe! Hit the floor
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But he didn’t own no six-gun

Lemme tell you what he’d do

When the varmint rode into town
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He’d shoot ‘em down with a big fat “fuck you!”

[Chorus]
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Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
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7.50 dollars for large soy cappucino
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Lemme get my wallet
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Fuck you!

Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
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Even though I’m not with Amazon you’re calling me to tell me
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That my profile has been hacked?
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Fuck you!

[Verse]
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And so Joe held the law in the town in which he lived
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Yeah! Only stupid motherfuckers would talk shit around Rudeboy
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With his whiplash wrist

Gon’ get it now!

Am C
Leroy “Two Gun” Jenkins thought that he could surely win
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But before Leroy could blink he was told to sit and spin
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Why don’t you take it for a ride now?

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The Mongoose Mountain Gang played dirty with a twenty-man crew
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But tales are told that Joe grew eighteen arms
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That day as a gift from Vishnu

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And as he rose in fame
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Every quickdraw outlaw came to the man
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They heard whose fists would burn when he flipped the bird

[Chorus]
Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
G
You wanna refund the money that I spent
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In your shop with a store credit?
E
Fuck you!

Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
G
Everybody brought a platter to my fancy birthday dinner
F
But you brought soda water?
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Fuck you!

[Verse]
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He got that name because his finger burns hot like the sun
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And leaves you smokin’ when he’s done

Am C
It’s just as well that Joe is fast as hell
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Cause in every duel he won I’m not sure
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Joe knew that they had a literal gun

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I know that they’re packing heat
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And I know that they know that I’m the man to beat
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But when I step onto the street with a jingle in my feet
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They know that I know that they know that they can

Fuck themself!

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Some say many years ago
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Before Joseph Rudeboy was Smokin’ Joe
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He had a wife; her name was Bo
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Bo was with child in a happy home

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But into town an outlaw came
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Who wore a velvet cloak like a bloodstain
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Now Bo didn’t like Joe using no gun
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So Bo told Joe to fucking run

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“You gotta bring back help!” (Run fast Joe, fast Joe)
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Lemme stay and fight!
F E
But Bo said “No guns, you’ve got to go!”

[Bridge]
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Joeseph Rudeboy was too slow
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For a child that he’d never know

Am C
Joeseph Rudeboy you’re too slow
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Burning inside Joeseph died but from the ash the man who rose was

[Chorus]
Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

He’s a human pheonix
G
Yes, that’s the word

I heard he was born in a fire
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And rides a pair of flamin’ birds
Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

I heard he’s never shot no-one but he’s
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Still locked up half of the wild west
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Lookin’ for a velvet-wearing son-of-a-gun

[Verse]
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One day an outlaw came to town

Come out here Smokin’ Joe
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You’re just as well already dead
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He wore a velvet cloak but Joe saw red

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And on the street the fateful pair did meet
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All the townsfolk came to watch when they knew
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Joe was gonna tell someone to f—

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Their eyes were locked what seemed like three eternities
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To Joe the velvet man seemed different
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From how he remembered him to be

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But it was all the same to Smokin’ Joe, who’d been through hell
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He’d dreamt every night the last eighteen years
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Of telling this guy to fuck himself

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But when Joe went to ball his hand into a flamin’ fist
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The outlaw shot him first with a
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Middle finger that looked just like his

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And as Joe fell he beheld the outlaw’s face
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A young girl who’d seen it all
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And grew up in a terrible place

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Whose mother once told Joeseph
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To run and bring back help
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A girl who thought her father had run out to save himself

[Chorus]
Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
G
You been telling everybody I’m a deadbeat daddy
F
Didn’t know I tried to save ya?

Yeah
E
Fuck you, daughter!

Am C
Smokin’ Joe! (it’s Smokin’ Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
G F
Now I found my father and I learnt the truth we can be reunited?

That’s right
E
Fuck you, old man!

[Outro]
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