Tim Minchin - Three Minute Song

A# F
my people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
A# F C
yeah , ive got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
A# C Dm C Dm
yeah they rang me up , said tim , will you go on ruth jones show
C A# F
they want you to sing a song , itll be fine , fine , fine
A# F
but the problem with my particular uvre ,
A# F
is that half my songs are five minutes and over .
C
and the wisdom here at the bbc ,
C
is that viewers switch off if you go past three ,
A# F
and a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language ,
A# F
which causes the viewers untold anguish ,
C Dm
it seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved ,
A# C F
for pussy puns on are you being served? .

F
and so i need a song that only goes for three minutes ,
C
without no bums or blasphemy in it ,
Dm A# C F
a lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle – class britain .
F
i need a song with a chorus and a verse ,
C
with no nasty – ass cussin and A – cursin ,
Dm
and im a little too lewd and a little too long ,
A# C F
ive gotta find myself a three – minute song .

A# F
and they said , remember boy that music is like love – making
C Dm
its simply self – indulgent to take it past three minutes .
A# F
remember boy that music is like love – making ,
C
everybody loves a pianist , but length must have a limit
F
so you need a song that only goes for three minutes ,
C
without no pornography or politics in it ,
Dm
youre a little verbose and a little bit wrong ,
A# C F
youve gotta find yourself a clean , limit , three – minute song .

F
three – hundred beats at a hundred beats – per – minute ,
C
with nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it ,
Dm
something for the telly that never , ever fails ,
A# C F
to appease the viewers of bbc wales .

Dm A# F
and even in the bridge i wont be lyrically adventurous ,
A# F C
intellectually unmention – ous , or racially contentious ,
Dm A# F
and i wont make double entendres at the expense of the chinese ,
C C7
for china is a country that can bring me to my knees .
A# F
for china , for china , vagina , vagina ,
C C7
vagina is a cunt – ry that will bring us to our knees .
n . C .
ooh , mr . humphries , my pussy is all wet! ( fake laugh ) two three fore – skin

F
i need a little happy – clappy country song ,
C
nice and repetitive and not too long ,
Dm
boring enough , but not too boring ,
A# C D
with a key change here to prevent me snoring .
G
i need a song that is only three minutes ,
D
without no buggery or blasphemy in it ,
Em
something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm ,
C D
well , if you cant beat Em , get conservative with Em .

instrumental break :
G – D – Em – C D

G
oh – oh , i need a song that causes no offense ,
D
to flog more tickets to my concerts ,
Em
by convincing the viewer that musical satire ,
C
hasnt progressed since victor borge ,
Em C
youve got a telly and i want to be in it ,
D G
but apparently youll only watch for three minutes .
C D G
yeah , apparently youll only watch for three