Half Man Half Biscuit - National Shite Day

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pulling the ice axe from my leg , i staggered on
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spindrift stinging my remaining eye
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i finally managed to reach the station
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only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
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after wondering to myself whether or not it should
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actually be called a train replacement service
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i walked out onto the concourse
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and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
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probably by a junior employee .
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disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal tvm
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involving a tug – of – love custody battle;
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stockard channing held sway .
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down in the high street somebody careered out of boots
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without due care or attention
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i suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
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i . E . sidle out of the store gingerly – embrace the margin .
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fat kids with sausage rolls , poor sods conducting polls .
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there’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in millets .
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i try to put everything into perspective ,
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set it against the scale of human suffering
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and i thought of the mugabe government
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and the children of the calcutta railways
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this works for a while but then i encounter primark Fm
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overhead a rainbow appears – in black and white .
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shite day , i guess this must be national shite day
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this surely must be national shite day
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don’t tell me it’s national shite day .
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float , float on . float , float on
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barry herpes .
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i got a letter from stringy bob
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“still on suicide watch , screws not happy .
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spotted a marsh fritillary during association
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was roundly ignored; what news you?”
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i felt sorry for him
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he’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences
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one of which saw him beachcombing the dee estuary
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found a dead wading bird , took it home , parcelled it up
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and sent it off to the rubber – faced irritant phil cool
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with a note inside which read : “is this your sanderling?”
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another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
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“keyboard player required – doors , floyd , etc .
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must be committed; no time wasters” – you can guess the rest .
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i’d always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
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to be found months later , his carcass stripped by homeless dogs
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his exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
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i folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
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all of a sudden i felt brushed by the wings of something dark
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may the lord have mercy on stringy bob .
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shite day , i do believe it’s national shite day
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it all points to national shite day
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someone’s declared it national shite day .
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shite day , my birthday on national shite day
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no bog roll , it’s national shite day
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cue drum roll , it’s national shite day .